top of page

Keeping the balance

Updated: Feb 13, 2021

Authoritative parenting vs Permissive and Authoritarian

When a child throws a temper tantrum is it a time to put the stops out and become Authoritarian, by not allowing any negation from the child? Or should one give them a lollypop, some media like the phone, or whatever they want to keep them happy? It is time to think about what the child really needs is becoming approachable warm with expectations giving them a place to feel secure. Give them that time to calm down, then give them some attention towards better behavior.


A child does not want to take their shoes off.

Authoritarian - the parent takes the shoe off for them

Permissive- give them a reward for the shoes coming off.

The best choice is Authoritative- give the child some time to work on the task, the shoes must come off when one gives them enough time may do the trick because it helps them to concentrate and problem-solve with some privacy. Another way is to reset their location let them go outside and come back into the designated spot to take off their shoes detaching what had previously happened. I recommend about 3-5 minutes of playtime outside or a walk for redirection towards the parent's goal. If they still refuse to take the shoes off let them sit in the shoe spot to see the family activities hopefully as they witness time going by without them they will want to join in by taking those shoes off. Tempt them with some questions after about 5 minutes. For example use playdough, helping with dishes, or something you know they want to help with the family. do not reward the behavior by giving them a treat just remind them you would like them to join the family. When they see the activities they will want to participate in, invite them and remind them the shoes need to come off first. Finally, if they will not take off their shoes then don't make it the battle of the wins give them some slippers to compromise. Again with the shoes My child will not put their shoes on! He never listens to me! When a child does not want to put their shoes on to go to school what a parent can do... Authoritarian-parent puts the shoes on for the child with a fight. Permissive -carry them and they don't need shoes The best choice is Authoritative-Try to give them choices, for example, different shoes to wear this one or that one. Have some fun maybe pretend to put their shoes on and say I am ready to go they will happily state those are my shoes. You may say really well where are mine and take the time to put them on together. Another idea is to play shoe store for a few minutes. give them your shoes to try on like a shoe store and they can discover they do not fit, then have them try on their shoes to see that they are the right fit or have a race on who can get those shoes on first. Finally, be honest and direct, and say something like "I know you don't want to put your shoes on but where we are going it is required, so please put them on. " It takes time to teach children because they don't think the same as parents they have no concept of time or urgency. It works out better for parents and caretakers to plan more time for events that allow for adjustment within a child's day. Children need guidance but they also need to control part of their world, one may call this a strong-willed child, however, it's a normal development for them to process and grow. If a child does not get the time for development required from those who take care of them they may become adults that display, anger, insecurity, withdrawal, unsociable, and they will have a hard time making the right choices in decisions for themselves, they may manipulate, or have low levels of maturity. Parents that have balance help children grow into independent, self-reliant, confident, and good social skills. Each child has talents and develops into their own person. In the next blog, I will talk more about different characteristics. A parent may feel they need to take control and stop the tantrum. The rules that need to be followed, the child needs to respect what the parent is presenting. This can develop into a battle between wills. Lets Chat A parent may feel they need to take control and stop the tantrum. The rules must be followed, the child needs to respect what the parent is presenting. This can develop into a battle between wills. "No matter how the dispute ends one will walk away feeling defeated." When parents assert their power over a child and if the disagreement becomes heated between child and parent. The question is who is to win if the parent does not allow for any negotiation this is the type of Authoritarian parenting. A child can make a parent feel overwhelmed by their demands and at times it may seem easier to just give in to them to "make the day go smoother" For example, like give them a reward of a lollypop, media, play a game on the phone, etc... to keep them happy. Prepping the child to think this is no big deal. This is Permissive parenting trying to be the child's friend. Now The Authorative type of parenting is finding the balance. Finding words to make the child feel part of the solution. Avoiding confect, giving them a chance to make their own choices, helping them to own up to mistakes and allow for negotiation. It is time to think about what the child's needs really are is it being disobedient or wanting to obtain growth, do they need a nap, do they need independence, do they need to nourished with a healthy snack. This type of parenting give the child a warm and they will feel they can approach parents which is the goal of having a long term relationship. Give children many cognitive problems solving experiences to help them grow and feel secure. At times they may feel overwhelmed and give them that time to calm down to reset their attention towards better behavior. When to Get Help Parents may have conflicts from time to time with their children and may give in sometimes is fine, however during this time help them with guidance to help them achieve correction upon their mistakes.

  • At times parents do make mistakes, sometimes raising kids one doesn't always know the right response, knowing this admitting the wrong, and allowing for their point of view, instead of just jumping to one's conclusions. Parents can admit they did wrong and correct their behavior. This is a good time to also listen to the child's side of the story learn how they are feeling and analyze the disagreement. Also, make sure the rules that are set are reasonable for the child's age and maturity.

  • Families do have conflict but if it becomes too intense and a daily disruption then one should seek out professional help. If the conflict is maintained for several days and there is never a win without pain, this is a sign that things need to change seek professional help, this is not normal parenting. It will be beneficial for the family to gain some communication and parenting skills to maintain the balance. Here is a great link for more information For Baby – How To Deal With Temper Tantrums: 9 Effective Tactics to Handle Meltdowns References: Photo: (n.d.). Retrieved from,h_240,al_c,q_90,usm_0.66_1.00_0.01/140dfa_b0d0a8f65815429194f927db7ae20a1c~mv2.webp Parenting Styles [BYU-Idaho Online Learning Video Transcript]. (n.d.). Steinberg, L. (2017). The ten basic principles of good parenting. New York: Simon & Schuster.

12 views0 comments

Recent Posts

See All

6 Things That Drive Day Care Workers Crazy This is the link for the full article from the New York Times Ritualize your drop-off routine, and nix the long goodbye. “Parents are r


bottom of page